By Doron Gil, Ph.D.
If you are among those who dream about finding "the one and
only"; "the perfect match"; "the knight on the white horse" - you
probably have developed a host of fantasies and hopes about how this
person will look like; will be like; will behave like, love and treat
you. And you probably have imagined, time and again, how your first
meeting with this person will look like; will be like: the first kiss;
the first eye contact; the first sentence each one of you will utter.
And the first - and certain - "connection" the two of you will feel
towards one another.
And the more you think about this person the more you already miss him/her, and you can't wait for the moment the two of you will meet!
BUT:
Can you miss someone you have never met?
Even though it is wonderful to fantasize about "the one and only" and convince yourself that you already miss him/her, fantasies are wonderful up to a certain point. Indeed, they give you hope and enable you to be positive about the future. But if you have been unsuccessful in developing a satisfying relationship until now, and are fantasizing about "this wonderful partner" who will come your way, you might become frustrated, disillusioned, bitter and desperate.
The reason being, that fantasies alone are not enough to make your dreams come true. They neither compensate for lack of a relationship, nor can they give you a realistic hope for the future. Fantasies, as they are, are fantasies. And hanging on to unrealistic fantasies might only deter you from taking the necessary steps to finding a partner with whom to develop a satisfying intimacy.
So, if you feel you are dreaming and fantasizing about this "perfect person" who will come your way, with whom you will develop this "wonderful relationship", is there anything else you are doing in the meantime to make your dream come true? Are you taking the time to become aware of and understand what makes you single or unsuccessful in your attempts at healthy, satisfying and intimate relationships? Do you look at past relationships you might have had and try to identify patterns which repeated themselves throughout them all - leading you, time and again, to be unsatisfied, bitter and maybe alone?
The healing power of self-reflection
Taking the time to think, reflect and consider your attitudes about partners and relationships and the role your fantasies play might help you get in touch with what it is that sabotages your attempts at relationships until now:
* Taking the time to honestly look inwards, examine your dreams and fantasies, enables you to understand what has driven you to hold on to fantasies rather than to reality;
* Realizing what kind of fantasies you might have held on to enables you understand how these might have sabotaged your attempts at relationships.
When you stop fantasizing and make the necessary changes in your attitudes, reactions and behaviors (with prospective partners or while dating), you will eventually become able to
develop the relationship you want.
And the more you think about this person the more you already miss him/her, and you can't wait for the moment the two of you will meet!
BUT:
Can you miss someone you have never met?
Even though it is wonderful to fantasize about "the one and only" and convince yourself that you already miss him/her, fantasies are wonderful up to a certain point. Indeed, they give you hope and enable you to be positive about the future. But if you have been unsuccessful in developing a satisfying relationship until now, and are fantasizing about "this wonderful partner" who will come your way, you might become frustrated, disillusioned, bitter and desperate.
The reason being, that fantasies alone are not enough to make your dreams come true. They neither compensate for lack of a relationship, nor can they give you a realistic hope for the future. Fantasies, as they are, are fantasies. And hanging on to unrealistic fantasies might only deter you from taking the necessary steps to finding a partner with whom to develop a satisfying intimacy.
So, if you feel you are dreaming and fantasizing about this "perfect person" who will come your way, with whom you will develop this "wonderful relationship", is there anything else you are doing in the meantime to make your dream come true? Are you taking the time to become aware of and understand what makes you single or unsuccessful in your attempts at healthy, satisfying and intimate relationships? Do you look at past relationships you might have had and try to identify patterns which repeated themselves throughout them all - leading you, time and again, to be unsatisfied, bitter and maybe alone?
The healing power of self-reflection
Taking the time to think, reflect and consider your attitudes about partners and relationships and the role your fantasies play might help you get in touch with what it is that sabotages your attempts at relationships until now:
* Taking the time to honestly look inwards, examine your dreams and fantasies, enables you to understand what has driven you to hold on to fantasies rather than to reality;
* Realizing what kind of fantasies you might have held on to enables you understand how these might have sabotaged your attempts at relationships.
When you stop fantasizing and make the necessary changes in your attitudes, reactions and behaviors (with prospective partners or while dating), you will eventually become able to
develop the relationship you want.
